She'll need to take off her leather pants and jacket to get a tan.


--Sorry about yesterday. Work was kinda hectic, so I couldn't write an update. When you are such an important person, as I am, you find your time to be at a premium. Okay, I'm not very important, but I was really busy. Please don't hate me. I love you.

--I have a cold today. My throat feels like someone has scrubbed the inside of it with steel wool, my ears are clogged and my nose is dripping some mysterious fluid. I am a miserable bastard. I don't do sick very well. When I'm feeling this way, I just can't imagine how people can go about there business as if nothing is wrong. I AM SICK, DAMMIT. The world should stop rotating on it's axis until everyone has confirmed that I am going to pull through. Of course, I am relegated to whining about it here to you guys. It's a cold, cruel world we live in. People are gonna feel bad when I succumb to the West Nile virus I have obviously contracted.

--My Steelers handled their bidness last night. Interception return for a TD 12 seconds in. Kick return AND a punt return for a TD. Highly pleased. The second and third stringers blew, but hey that's why their not starters. I look forward to another competitive season from Big Ben and the boys.

--I received this joke today via email from my good friend Randy. Funny stuff:

Paying Attention

First-year students at Med School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them: "In medicine, it is necessary to have 2 important qualities as a doctor. The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body." For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the corpse, withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth." Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students. The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and sucking on it. When everyone had finished, the Professor looked at them and told them,"The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention."

--My hero, Jeff Kay of The West Virginia Surf Report, likes to brag that he is currently riding one of the most impressive streaks of self control ever recorded. Seems Mr. Kay has never, ever, taken a sit-down at work. Over twenty-five years, and narry a deuce dropped. While I can in no way claim to best him in either length (25 years) or frequency (zilch, zero, nada), I myself have kept this occurrence to a bare minimum. But, as is true with most things in my life, the one time I did have a lapse in sphincter control became what is heretofore known as "the day of shame".

I had just returned from lunch, where I had feasted on one of the greatest inventions known to mankind: the Chinese food buffet. 3 Billions of the little fuckers can't be wrong.

Anyway, I had just sat back down at my desk, ready to get back to the grind, when I was nearly doubled over by a sharp pain deep in my gut. I, of course, automatically thought I had been poisoned with arsenic or had an acute case of food poisoning (that's me, always thinking of the positive). Anyway, after my brain had processed the signals from the inner workings of my digestive system, I came to one conclusion: Hiroshima Crap.

Let me take a minute to explain. A Hiroshima Crap (also known as an ass-plosion) is one of those sudden, explosive movements that generally occur after eating foods of an Asian persuasion. I know that Hiroshima is in JAPAN, and I had CHINESE food, but the aftermath is pretty much the same. All Asian inspired cuisine has this effect on me.

So there I was, sweat beading up on my forehead, a rumble deep in my gut. It was becoming apparent that I would have to break my own rule about doing the deed at work. I walked ever so gingerly to the bathroom, careful not to make any sudden movements. While taking a dump at work was less than desirable, crapping in my pants at work ranks just ahead of that on my list of things to avoid. I made it just in time, and unleashed the fury of hell upon that poor porcelain bowl. Needless to say, I felt much better. I made sure all of the paperwork was in order, washed my hands, and exited the facility. To my surprise, there just happened to be a group of people right outside the bathroom discussing an upcoming renovation project that would occur in that corner of the building. The sounds and smells that had been emanating from the bathroom had obviously stunned them into silence, because when I walked out, they were all looking directly at me. The group consisted of our CEO, our HR director, and various other semi-important upper management types. I avoided making eye contact, mumbled a quick good afternoon, and went back to my desk to consider the swiftest and least painful wait to commit suicide. To this day, I can't look at any of them without remembering that horrific experience. Damn my undisciplined colon. Damn it I say!!!!!!

--Here are some funny links/items to get your mind off of my tragic tales of bathroom visits gone horribly awry:


Think of the ugliest dog you have ever seen, multiply it by one thousand, and this is what you get. (and yes, it's real)


The kick is up, and it's good!!!!!!!!!!


Here's a news story that is both alarming, and arousing. Where do I order???


Home early from work, an unsuspecting Frosty walks in.


And finally, here's a site that has it all. Disgusting pictures, weird news stories, and most importantly, boobies!!!!!!!!!


That'll do it for today, kids. Please put your seat backs and tray tables into their upright and locked positions. I'll try to do better tomorrow.