I'm back. After the long holiday weekend, I feel refreshed, rejuvenated, re.............fuck it. I'm back. Shall we move on?

--My water heater did not die. The reports of it's death were greatly exaggerated. Seems the sensor went out, and decided that since it couldn't tell how hot the water was, it would just make it ice cold. I think my water heater must be a politician or something.

When we called Earl, or Stanley, or Melvin, or whatever in the hell the water heater guy's name was, to come out and look at it, we told him that we would stick a key under the door mat so he could get in. Being Friday before a holiday, I decided to knock off from work a little early to, you know, "beat the traffic". But when I got home and lifted said mat, there was no key!!! I left work early to sit on my god damn porch! Don't get me wrong, every once in a while I love to sit on the porch and enjoy the breeze and what not, just not on this particular day.

I called my wife, hollering and cussing and imploring her to get home as quickly as she could, so I could get in the house. After hanging up the phone I did what any red-blooded American would do. I laid down and fell asleep. Oh yeah. Out like a light. And when my wife got home twenty minutes later??? That's right. I was cranky because I was woken up from my nap. Man, I can be a dick sometimes, huh? Hey, I heard that.


--The baseball season is nearly over, and my Cubbies have managed to once again fall woefully short of the hype heaped upon them over the summer. It doesn't help that they have had numerous injuries, to both their best position players and to their pitching staff. Another typical Cubs season. Whooped-ee-doo. The odds say that they have to win it all in my lifetime. Right? Please say I'm right. Noooooooooooooooooooo............

--My Notre Dame Fighting Irish put a hurtin' on Pitt Saturday night. Maybe I will have one team this year actually meet or, god forbid, exceed expectations.

I love college football. Don't get me wrong, the NFL, baseball, college basketball.......they're all great. But to me college football is one of the most exciting and pure sports of them all. Each year there are a group of teams that have a chance to win it. You have major upsets, nail biting finishes and generally great match ups. The fans are totally into the games, and it brings an entire community together. I have yet to see as many fans at any other sporting event as I have seen at a Michigan-Ohio State football game in the Big House. Seventy-Nine thousand people, all screaming their asses off. The length of the season is perfect, the weather for the season is perfect. It is all just........perfect.

I have gone the last five years or so to Purdue's homecoming game with a friend who is an alum. To see all of those people, decked out in their black and gold, really brings a smile to my face. These people are truly passionate about their school, and will usually support their team in the worst of times. That, my friends, is what it is all about. If they could come up with a way to get rid of this ridiculous BCS shit, and replace it with a more fair system (can you say PLAYOFFS) than it would in fact be the perfect sport.

God bless college football, and god bless the United States of America!!!!!!



That'll do it for today. I don't want to spoil ya. I'll be back. I.......will........be.........back. Toodles!

Why did I get up this morning..........................

--Let me tell you how my day has gone thus far. I know you probably won't believe me, but I promise the events that I am about to describe are true. Only the names have been changed to protect the innocent:

I really didn't sleep well last night. I had such high hopes. I went to bed early, looking to end the week with a bang. But alas, it was not to be. So, I got up and shuffled into the bathroom, thinking a nice hot shower would get the juices flowing. I turned the knobs and waited with my hand under the stream so I could adjust the water to the perfect temperature. But, the water never warmed up. It just stayed cold. So, I started turning down the cold water. When I had turned the cold water completely off, the 'hot' water was still ice cold. The day before we had had the opposite problem. It seemed like the hot water was exceptionally hot, but I didn't think twice about it. Looking back, that fact coupled with the complete lack of hot water this morning told me the chilling truth: the hot water heater had met an untimely demise. We got a new one in February of 2003!!!! I'm no expert, but I'm pretty sure that water heaters have a shelf life of more than two and a half years. Again, I'm no expert.

As all of this was unfolding, I heard a loud crash. There had apparently been an accident on the road in front of our house. My son ran to the window to see what was going on, and in the process stepped smack dab in the middle of the steaming pile of SHIT my beloved canine companion had left. He yelled for me and began walking toward me, leaving little brown footprints across the living room. I grabbed him up and took him to the bathroom where I could clean the dog doo from his foot. After sticking his foot in the COLD water and scrubbing, I heard him gagging behind me. It seems he had gotten some of the "material" on his hand and had caught a whiff of it. Just as I turned around, he vomited on the bathroom floor.

As all of this is going on I am trying as hard as I can not to have a complete mental break down. I was trying to scrub crap off his foot and puke off the floor with cold water (which, coincidentally, doesn't seem to have the cleaning power of it's companion), while trying not to add to the mess on the floor. I have always been a sympathetic vomiter, and if I hear it, see it or smell it, chances are I will be praying to the porcelain god as well.

We finally got everything cleaned up and got ready for the day. I got to take my shower, which was quite...........invigorating. Taking a cold shower makes me want to get out and start swinging punches at strangers. I just don't like 'em.

So, here I sit telling the world how great it is to be me. Right now there is probably a man named Stanley in my basement, installing a water heater that will cost a fortune. At least we have a three day weekend coming up. Between the price of gas and my "new" water heater, I should have grand time sitting at home while the faint aroma of dog shit wafts about.

Have a great fucking weekend.