"So help me, as God is my witness, I thought turkeys could fly."

- I feel like crap. I have been fighting bronchitis and a sinus infection for over a month now. My doctor doesn't seem to be too concerned, but I think that a month seems a tad excessive when it comes to such things.

He prescribed me antibiotics. I think the word antibiotic is Sanskrit for "explosive diarrhea, which I seem to have gotten from the "medicine". I'm not sure which is worse. Maybe one day (Spring) it will be gone and I can breath again. Somebody please kill me.

- Terrell Owens has been cut. Thank god. He is quite possibly the athlete I will hate most in my lifetime. I have never seen one individual almost single handedly destroy the chemistry of a franchise. And there are people out there who think that just because he apologized, he should be taken back and forgiven, as if nothing ever happened.

Too little, too late asshole. But the Eagles are proving that they can admit when they have made a mistake, and are not taking him back. Good for you, I say.

And his scum-sucking agent, Drew Rosenhaus, well let me tell you. There is a special place in hell for people like him. I know he has a job and that job is to get his clients paid, but he ain't doing it out of the goodness of his heart. He knows when his "boy" doesn't get paid, neither does he. I would love to see the flaming engine of a plane crush him like a bug while he is on television, telling the world how much he "loves this man" and is "behind him 110%." They deserve each other.

- The show Lost on ABC has pretty much pissed me the fuck off. I watch it every week, as I will this week, and at the end of every episode, I am left shaking my head and thinking "Whathafuck?????". As I have said many times, this will either prove to be the greatest show ever made, or be one of the greatest let downs in all of television history. I see riots and looting in the future.

- Big Dave Quote of The Week:

"If I was ever going to kill someone, I would beat them to death

with a frozen pork chop, then eat them AND the pork chop."

- Since everyone seems to be completely obsessed with lists (Top 10 Things I Wouldn't Shove Up My Ass At Halloween), I have decided to add another weekly feature here at Thurman The Mole. I will submit for your approval a list topic, followed by my own rankings. Please feel free to share your list in the comments section. I am interested to see how peoples' lists compare to mine. (DISCLAIMER: The statements and opinions expressed by the author do not necessarily represent those of Thurmanthemole.com or it's subsidiaries.)

Top 10 Sequels That Should Never Have Been:

10. Any of The Air Bud Sequels - A basketball playing dog, that's cool. But come on. Who is this dog. Fucking Deion Sanders??

9. Return of The Jedi - I love Star Wars. But c'mon, Ewoks? Fucking Ewoks?

8. Miss Congeniality 2: Armed and Fabulous - ummmm, no.

7. The Ring Two - some water logged little bitch coming out of your TV is scary once, but twice? Here's an idea. No more fucking TV.

6. Teen Wolf Too - I actually liked the first Teen Wolf, and thought that it was a funny movie. But a second one? Jason Bateman ain't Michael J. Fox (although I think JB is doing great work now.)

5. Matrix ReLoaded - Took an outstanding movie and totally screwed the pooch on the sequel. The third one is good, but this one sucks ass. Laurence Fishburn went from a bad muthafucka to some weirdo almost hippy guy. WTF!!!!

4. Book of Shadows : Blair Witch 2 - Again, the first one rocked and was really well made. The second one had very little to do with the first and the acting, script and photography were crap.

3. Bridget Jones The Edge of Reason - Never saw the first one, but I can't imagine this could be any better. This movie gets a big "bugger off."

2. Any Police Academy movie after the first two - Fucking Horrible.

and, the number 1 "Never should have been a sequel" movie:

1. Caddy Shack II - They took the funniest movie ever made and made this piece of crap. It makes me almost shed a tear every time I see this on. Carl Spackler would be ashamed. Whomever came up with this should rot in hell with Terrell Owens and Drew Rosenhaus.

There you have it. Our inaugural Top 10 list. Feel free to disagree and let me know what yours is.

That'll do it for today, shorties. Remember, Confucious say "The difference between pickpocket and peeping Tom is, pickpocket snatch watch, and peeping Tom watch snatch."

"So I jump ship in Hong Kong and make my way over to Tibet, and I get on as a looper at a course over in the Himalayas. A looper, you know, a caddy, a looper, a jock. So, I tell them I'm a pro jock, and who do you think they give me? The Dalai Lama, himself. Twelfth son of the Lama. The flowing robes, the grace, bald... striking. So, I'm on the first tee with him. I give him the driver. He hauls off and whacks one - big hitter, the Lama - long, into a ten-thousand foot crevasse, right at the base of this glacier. Do you know what the Lama says? Gunga galunga... gunga, gunga-galunga. So we finish the eighteenth and he's gonna stiff me. And I say, "Hey, Lama, hey, how about a little something, you know, for the effort, you know." And he says, "Oh, uh, there won't be any money, but when you die, on your deathbed, you will receive total consciousness." So I got that goin' for me, which is nice." - Carl Spackler

Halloween, 2005

If this kid shows up for trick-or-treating, DO NOT open the door.


-I took my son out trick-or-treating last night. He made off with a pretty good haul, and I think he was pleased. Of course, he couldn't eat any of it until I had time to take it home and "check it out" to make sure it was "safe".

I always thought growing up that the whole parental checking of the candy was a sham. I mean, were they my parents or the fucking border patrol? It just seemed a little off that they would let the neighbors babysit us, but we couldn't eat the prepackaged candy they gave us, because it might have razor blades in it.

But now that I am a parent, I can see the beauty of this plan. You scare the kids with the whole "everyone is out to get you" scenario, then you use the opportunity to take things from them, all under the guise of safety and protection. Maybe my parents weren't the border patrol after all. They were obviously president of the United States.

- I had lunch at the same Chinese restaurant I mentioned last week (where I saw Irene) and some of the cooks were eating lunch at one of the booths. One of the guys, I bona fide Chinese gentleman, was eating some sort of wettish rice dish. And I am here to tell you, that fucker was moving some real estate. I have never seen someone eat as quickly as this guy was. He was a machine. The whole scene was like a horrendous car crash. You know shouldn't look, but you can't help yourself.

And what happened that caused all of these Chinese restaurants to be almost exclusively staffed by Mexicans? Here is the formula that has been used recently: hire three Asians, one to work the register and two to serve, and fill the kitchen with Mexicans.

I know there are a lot of Mexican immigrants that are looking for work, but are Chinese restaurants the only ones that are hiring? I need to look into this. It could be a matter of national security.

-I caught the movie Brighton Beach Memoirs again the other night. It is a movie based on the Neil Simon play of the same name. It tells the story of a working class family living in Brooklyn in 1937.

Jonathan Silverman is brilliantly cast as the main character, Eugene Morris Jerome. He is a teenager coming to grips with tension among the family due to money problems, always feeling like the black sheep, and the sudden surge of hormones that accompany puberty. It is truly a "coming of age" tale.

Blythe Danner plays the mother (Kate) , and Judith Ivey is Kate's sister Ruth, who has been forced to move in with the Jerome's along with her two daughters following the death of her husband. The writing is witty and endearing. Even though the film is set 70 years ago, a lot of the issues and problems being dealt with are still very applicable today. All in all, a damn good movie. I would also recommend the "follow up" (loosely, not technically a sequel), Biloxi Blues. This film, also adapted from a Neil Simon play, has Matthew Broderick as Eugene Jerome, and also features Christopher Walken and Penelope Ann Miller. Both are great films.

-Today I would like to unveil a new feature here at Thurman The Mole. Because I am always striving to make your experience first class, baby.

First, a little background info. I have a friend that everybody knows simply as Big Dave. He is known far and wide for his words of Confucius-like wisdom. I have decided to bless you all with what will heretofore be known as "Big Dave's Words of Wisdom."

Let me also say that thurmanthemole.com or any of it's subsidiaries are not responsible for the views and opinions expressed by Big Dave.

Big Dave is also available for speaking engagements and company parties. You can reach him at ThurmanTheMole@insightbb.com.

Big Dave's Words of Wisdoms 1.1

Big Dave was sent via email an article from a women's magazine from 1958 the "rules" for being a good wife and how to treat your husband. Some of the items were quite dated, such as "If your husband stays out all night, when he gets home do not ask him where he's been." Or, "do not talk to your husband as soon as he gets home. Let him unwind and have a drink before you say anything to him."

After telling me about this article, Dave imparted his Zen-like wisdom to me:

"See, that's what's wrong with this country. We need to get back to the old days. Back when women knew their place. When it was all about blowjobs and meatloaf."

There are some things a man just cannot argue with. Pass the meatloaf.