"Open The Fuckin' Canned Peaches"

- Man, it's been a while since I have posted anything here. It seems like life has this uncanny ability to get in the way, ya know? I keep telling myself that I will make an effort to truly turn this into an award winning site. And then reruns of the World Series of Poker come on, and I'm distracted again. All day long I am on the computer and the phone, so when I finally get home I have very little desire to use the computer for anything that isn't porn related.

- Speaking of computers, I just got a new one. This sumbitch hums, baby. It's a Dell, so now I can say that I am one of the Dell-ites out there. This is the first machine I have ever had that I or someone I knew did not make. I am very pleased with it, and highly recommend them to everyone. I got the E510 Media Center Edition. I would suggest you do the same. Right now.

- My wife and I just finished up a major home improvement project. We decided to rip the century-old carpet (exaggerated, but just a little) up, and restore the hardwood floors beneath. The results were..........fan-fucking-tastic. I couldn't be happier. We had some "pros" come and look at it, and said that they would do it for $1400. That was a great price, but we ended up doing it for half that. And our marriage surived and everything!

I am not the best person in the world with whom to undertake such an endeavor. I am a little......shall we say, emotional at times. When things aren't going well, I tend to get a bit annoyed. And this had trouble written all over it. But, as I said we made it through, and I think we are better people for it. I have to give a mad shout-out to Christy and Travis. Without their help, we would never have seen the completion of the project. You guys rock.

- Football season is only 6 weeks away. I can hardly wait. My beloved Steelers will be back to defend their championship, and I have three fantasy football teams to draft. I just had to adjust myself. I am that excited. Of course pudding causes the same reaction. Figure that one out, Mr. Freud.

- Are you ready boys and girls? It's time for Big Dave's Quote Of The Week!!!!!!! Now settle the fuck down:

"You see, I shave my back and wax my balls, because if you want a girl, you have to minimize your nastiness."

You hear that? That's the sound of panties dropping everywhere.

- To finish up this steaming pile of dung, I have submitted for your approval the newest top ten list. This week's topic: Top Ten Starting Quarterbacks In The NFL for 2006

10. Michael Vick - Atlanta Falcons: Say what you want about him, but he is easily the most athletically gifted player in the NFL. He has a cannon for an arm, and runs like a cheetah with it's ass on fire. He makes poor decisions and his throwing angle is unorthodox, but he can break one out at any time. Consistency is the key in the NFL, and if he ever learns that, he could be one of the best.

9. Ben Roethlisberger - Pittsburgh Steelers: No single QB in the last twenty years has created as much debate as Big Ben. Two seasons, two Conference Championship starts, 25-4 as starter, one SB ring. He is solid, doesn't make mistakes that cost his team games (ahem, Tommy Maddox), and is perfect for the system that he is in. Is he great, or just an average QB surrounded by good players. As I said, consistency is the key, and he is consistent. The only reason he isn't ranked higher is his lack of experience in comparison with some of the others on this list.

8. Trent Green - Kansas City Chiefs: The epitome of consistency, and the word professionalism personified. It seems like he plays one game, and just photo copies it each week. He has done a good job with very little help from his receiving corps. He is a leader, and shows poise in the pocket. Most of his interceptions are tipped balls from his woefully average receivers, and he uses the pass perfectly to set up their bread and butter: the running game. He is at the twilight of his career, but he is still one of the top 10 QB's in the league.

7. Matt Hasselbeck - Seattle Seahawks: Very consistent, good poise in the pocket. Started out as a disciple of Brett Favre. Does everything well, nothing great. He too makes good decisions and led the Seahawks, the Fucking Seahawks!, to a Super Bowl. Another perfect player for the system that he is in. Mike Holmgren is the perfect coach for him. He should have another five very productive years in Seattle.

6. Carson Palmer - Cincinnati Bengals: This guy is a player. After sitting for an entire season, and not complaining ONCE, he stepped in and made the Bengals respectable for the first time in 15 years. He has good arm strength and pinpoint precision. He is one of the smarter QB's in the league. He meshes well with a very brash, outspoken receiving corps. He also is one of the few Bengals without a rap sheet. If he fully recovers from knee surgery, he could be at the top of this list in 5 years.

5. Donovan McNabb - Philadelphia Eagles: From being booed on Draft Day, to being one of the best QB's in the league, McNabb has had a rockier road than most top-notch quarterbacks. He has been successful even when the Eagles had no running game, and a sub-par receiving corps. His lover's spat with Terrell Owens will merely be a speed bump in his career when all is said and done. McNabb is tough and plays hurt a lot, a-la-Steve McNair. He has average arm strength, but is better on the run than some of the other top-ranked QB's. If Philly would invest in a RB and make even a modest upgrade at receiver, McNabb could get his ring.

4. Jake DelHomme - Carolina Panthers: I love this guy. Small town, aww-shucks attitude with major league talent. The modern day Terry Bradshaw. He is 5-2 in the postseason, and his performance in his first and only Super Bowl (323 yds, 4TD's) was nothing short of spectacular. He is complimented by one of the best receivers in the NFL in Steve Smith, and his ability to stay calm in the pocket has led to his success. Might end up being one of the best two-minute QB's of all time, along with Montana, Favre and Elway.

3. Brett Favre - Green Bay Packers: He has fought through a lot of adversity in his career, with the loss of his father, addiction to pain killers, the loss of his brother-in-law, and the destruction of his mother's home in Hurricane Katrina. Through all of this adversity, he has managed to be one of the most successful QB's in the history of the game. Two SB appearances, one ring. Mr. Clutch. He had a terrible season last year, but he was expected to do it all. He is tough as nails, and is still one of the most down to earth people you will ever meet. I love him. I hope he plays ten more years. (Trivia: Who was on the receiving end of his very first complete pass? Himself - it was tipped and he caught it!)

2. Peyton Manning - Indianapolis Colts: He is one of the most prolific passers in the history of the game. He is able to make split-second decisions and seemingly impossible throws with pinpoint accuracy. Manning has been lights out in the regular season, but his postseason resume is lacking. Like the old golf adage goes, "you drive for show, but putt for dough", I can only hope Manning's putter is better than his postseason performances.

1. Tom Brady - New England Patriots: He is the best QB in the NFL today. Be it stats, postseason record, or number of Mens' Magazine covers one has graced, he is tops. Always cool and calm, a great leader, good arm, and terrific judgment, Tom Brady is the best overall QB. Not bad for a 6th round draft pick, who wasn't even considered the best QB on his team at Michigan. I still hate the Patriots, but you have to give props when they are deserved.


Three QB's who could be on the list very soon: Byron Leftwich - Jacksonville Jaguars; Chris Simms - Tampa Bay Bucs; Eli Manning - NY Giants


There you have it. Let the debating begin!

Mole, out.

In Honor of This, The Holiest of Days................

It's been a while. A long while. But, as they say, the best things come to those who wait. In honor of this national holiday (6-6-6), I thought my newest update would be a top ten list. Sure, everyone these days have a top ten list. But theirs suck. So, I have decided to do this top ten list: Top Ten Women Who I Think Are Hot As HELL! (Get it. Hell. 6-6-6. Whatever).

So, with no further ado, my top ten list:

10. Jamie Presley


Hot, hot, hot. Nothing better than a hot southern girl. With her smokey, sultry voice she could easily find work at one of those 1-900 places. Fried chicken, sweet potato pie, and Jamie Pressly. God bless Dixie Land.


9. Jessica Biel


Quite possibly one of the best all-around bodies I have ever seen. She is sexy, yet seems very "girl next door". In the remake of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, she was about the only redeeming quality. I wouldn't mind taking her to "7th Heaven".


8. Beyonce Knowles


Mmmm. Perfect skin, beautiful almond shaped eyes, and one of the best asses to ever grace god's green earth. She can't sing for shit, and actually it borders on painful to hear her, but that's why there is a mute button.


7. Kate Beckinsale


Super hot. And has been doing quite a few vampire movies lately, which I love. She is very ladylike, and proper. I dig it. She is the modern day Meg Ryan. Naturally beautiful, and a pretty good actress.


6. Stacy Keibler


Legs. Long, lovely legs. So long, they go from her ass to the ground. Anyway, she is pretty smokin'. I don't watch wrestling as much as I used to, but she is a hottie of the highest order. She could wrap those legs around me and....................................


5. Eva Mendes


Esta mamacita es muy caliente! Very sexy latina. It also doesn't hurt that she looks like my all-time favorite adult cinema star, Tori Welles. Eva Mendes is almost trashy hot. She looks equally adept at either acting or stripping. In the name of all that is good and holy, I hope she becomes a stripper and moves to my town.


4. Alyssa Milano


Who's the boss? You are baby. I am your slave. The body of a goddess, hot Italian blood coursing through her veins, and she's a witch!!! Actually, she just plays one on t.v. But this little filly can have my salami any damn time she wants it.


3. Nicole Kidman


I do dig the redheads. Hmmmmm, let's see. Nicole Kidman, Katie Holmes. Nicole Kidman, Katie Holmes. Nice choice Tom. Scientology not only makes you fucking crazy, it also really impairs your judgment. Hope you enjoy your mutant baby with the Katie "Nowhere Near As Hot As Nicole Kidman" Holmes. Nicole Kidman is sexy, beautiful, classy, and above all else, a redhead.


2. Evangeline Lily


Kate from lost. Not only do I love this show, but I thank the producers for introducing us to such a lovely young lady. And she is the star of a show where she is required to wear as little as possible. She is the modern day Mary Ann. And I am a Mary Ann man, man. God bless you Lost. I hope they never find your asses.


1. Catherine Zeta Jones


Wow. I think she is, hands down, the most beautiful woman IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD. Not just beautiful, but sexy. It hurts just to look at her. She is the sun. Do not look directly at her, as you may be seriously injured or blinded. Oh my. I think I'm getting light headed.




There you have it. My top ten hottest women in the world. Notice the operative word being "my". Feel free to express your opinions in the comment section. While there are well over ten hot women in the world, these are, in my humble opinion, the hottest. Let the debate begin.

In closing, here is a quote from Mr. Jeff Kay of the West Virginia Surf Report, in response to his kids wanting him to buy more of something:

"And when they were all gone, they started begging me to buy more. I just shuffled back into the house, opened a Rolling Rock, and farted to the East. That was my answer to their request."

The man's a genius. So long, and happy Satan Day!!!

"So help me, as God is my witness, I thought turkeys could fly."

- I feel like crap. I have been fighting bronchitis and a sinus infection for over a month now. My doctor doesn't seem to be too concerned, but I think that a month seems a tad excessive when it comes to such things.

He prescribed me antibiotics. I think the word antibiotic is Sanskrit for "explosive diarrhea, which I seem to have gotten from the "medicine". I'm not sure which is worse. Maybe one day (Spring) it will be gone and I can breath again. Somebody please kill me.

- Terrell Owens has been cut. Thank god. He is quite possibly the athlete I will hate most in my lifetime. I have never seen one individual almost single handedly destroy the chemistry of a franchise. And there are people out there who think that just because he apologized, he should be taken back and forgiven, as if nothing ever happened.

Too little, too late asshole. But the Eagles are proving that they can admit when they have made a mistake, and are not taking him back. Good for you, I say.

And his scum-sucking agent, Drew Rosenhaus, well let me tell you. There is a special place in hell for people like him. I know he has a job and that job is to get his clients paid, but he ain't doing it out of the goodness of his heart. He knows when his "boy" doesn't get paid, neither does he. I would love to see the flaming engine of a plane crush him like a bug while he is on television, telling the world how much he "loves this man" and is "behind him 110%." They deserve each other.

- The show Lost on ABC has pretty much pissed me the fuck off. I watch it every week, as I will this week, and at the end of every episode, I am left shaking my head and thinking "Whathafuck?????". As I have said many times, this will either prove to be the greatest show ever made, or be one of the greatest let downs in all of television history. I see riots and looting in the future.

- Big Dave Quote of The Week:

"If I was ever going to kill someone, I would beat them to death

with a frozen pork chop, then eat them AND the pork chop."

- Since everyone seems to be completely obsessed with lists (Top 10 Things I Wouldn't Shove Up My Ass At Halloween), I have decided to add another weekly feature here at Thurman The Mole. I will submit for your approval a list topic, followed by my own rankings. Please feel free to share your list in the comments section. I am interested to see how peoples' lists compare to mine. (DISCLAIMER: The statements and opinions expressed by the author do not necessarily represent those of Thurmanthemole.com or it's subsidiaries.)

Top 10 Sequels That Should Never Have Been:

10. Any of The Air Bud Sequels - A basketball playing dog, that's cool. But come on. Who is this dog. Fucking Deion Sanders??

9. Return of The Jedi - I love Star Wars. But c'mon, Ewoks? Fucking Ewoks?

8. Miss Congeniality 2: Armed and Fabulous - ummmm, no.

7. The Ring Two - some water logged little bitch coming out of your TV is scary once, but twice? Here's an idea. No more fucking TV.

6. Teen Wolf Too - I actually liked the first Teen Wolf, and thought that it was a funny movie. But a second one? Jason Bateman ain't Michael J. Fox (although I think JB is doing great work now.)

5. Matrix ReLoaded - Took an outstanding movie and totally screwed the pooch on the sequel. The third one is good, but this one sucks ass. Laurence Fishburn went from a bad muthafucka to some weirdo almost hippy guy. WTF!!!!

4. Book of Shadows : Blair Witch 2 - Again, the first one rocked and was really well made. The second one had very little to do with the first and the acting, script and photography were crap.

3. Bridget Jones The Edge of Reason - Never saw the first one, but I can't imagine this could be any better. This movie gets a big "bugger off."

2. Any Police Academy movie after the first two - Fucking Horrible.

and, the number 1 "Never should have been a sequel" movie:

1. Caddy Shack II - They took the funniest movie ever made and made this piece of crap. It makes me almost shed a tear every time I see this on. Carl Spackler would be ashamed. Whomever came up with this should rot in hell with Terrell Owens and Drew Rosenhaus.

There you have it. Our inaugural Top 10 list. Feel free to disagree and let me know what yours is.

That'll do it for today, shorties. Remember, Confucious say "The difference between pickpocket and peeping Tom is, pickpocket snatch watch, and peeping Tom watch snatch."

"So I jump ship in Hong Kong and make my way over to Tibet, and I get on as a looper at a course over in the Himalayas. A looper, you know, a caddy, a looper, a jock. So, I tell them I'm a pro jock, and who do you think they give me? The Dalai Lama, himself. Twelfth son of the Lama. The flowing robes, the grace, bald... striking. So, I'm on the first tee with him. I give him the driver. He hauls off and whacks one - big hitter, the Lama - long, into a ten-thousand foot crevasse, right at the base of this glacier. Do you know what the Lama says? Gunga galunga... gunga, gunga-galunga. So we finish the eighteenth and he's gonna stiff me. And I say, "Hey, Lama, hey, how about a little something, you know, for the effort, you know." And he says, "Oh, uh, there won't be any money, but when you die, on your deathbed, you will receive total consciousness." So I got that goin' for me, which is nice." - Carl Spackler